Terrible nightmare

6:57 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
The weirdest thing happened last night/this morning. I was dreaming about my old cat Taffy. We had him for 21 years and he was with us when the kids were growing up, he was part of our family. Sadly he passed away around 3 years ago now.

Lately, both husband and I have been calling our other cat "Taffy", who we have had for about 9-10 years!!! Her name is Freckles.

It was a terrible dream, about Taffy dying. I woke up physically crying, tears were streaming down my face, I has wrenching with sorrow. In the dream, I was holding him in his last death thrashes and it felt so real, it was really awful.

The circumstance of his "real" death was pretty awful too. We lived in a rural area at the time and our phones were out, they were always out as the lines were old and Telstra was always having to come and fix them!

My youngest daughter was the first home and found him dying. Don't know how long he had been lying there on the cold tile floor in Canberra, poor thing. She couldn't ring anyone, all she could do was sit with him and wait for someone to come home. She was too scared to touch him, she was only 13 at the time. It was very traumatic for her. I suspect this could have been a trigger for her "depression".

She cites that it was like he was waiting for someone from the family to get home before he died. He was closest to me, but I guess he thought daughter would do. She said at the last, he looked up at her and she felt like he "knew".

Husband was the next one home, sadly he had passed away by the time he got home. Daughter was beside herself and inconsolable, together they decided to bury him before I got home as I was the closest to him and they thought I would be too distressed to see him.

I never got to say good bye.

I don't know what triggered this nightmare this morning, but it was so incredibly real and I feel a bit "weird" this morning.

Why should I dream about him dying after all these years?

Food for thought....

More self discovery

2:08 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
Well I went of the rails last night. I have been following the Blood Type eating plan now from before Xmas ie no wheat, no dairy, no coffee and various other things not recommended for my blood type (O).

So I felt like "busting out" last night. I had a massive craving for icecream and pasta. So I had a big bowl of spaghetti bolognaise and some icecream for dessert, I also had a glass of red wine (after telling myself I wasn't going to drink alcohol again until June).

I also had a craving for a skinny latte for brekkie.

Well, am I paying for it today! I feel AWFUL! I feel all stodgy, bloated, depressed, sluggish...overall just BLAH.

My stomach feels and looks like I'm about to give birth!

We live and learn, I know in my heart that when I eat fresh foods and stay way from wheat, dairy and coffee, I feel so much better! I have more energy and I feel good about myself.

Blow out over..... will probably have another before long. But for now, I've learnt my lesson.

Heading off for a swim now. Its so damn HUMID! I can't stop sweating, it's gross - I feel gross.

Hopefully a good swim for half an hour will brighten me up a bit and loosen my tummy up a bit!

As I said.... we live and learn.

Bloody Hot

5:19 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
It is so hot here in Brissie today, it is incredibly muggy and the temp is high, or feels like it! I have done nothing but sweat pretty much all day. We went shopping today and dreaded getting out of the air conditioned car into the air conditioned shop! We had to get some stuff from the Warehouse and they don't have air conditioning - it was horrendous!

There were lots of cranky people in the shops today too.

It's so funny (well not funny haha) but I heard alot of Mothers screaming at their kids and speaking to them terribly and I thought to myself, I wonder if I did that when I was stessed, hot and bothered? I probably did. It is so embarrassing to hear, but most Mothers have probably done it at one time or another when they've lost their patience with their kids.

But the way these Mothers were speaking to their kids was terrible, it was just "nasty", it made me feel sad. How much damage do we do to our kids when we speak to them this way? What sort of an example are we setting for them? They in turn probably treat others the same way, including their siblings?

We, as parents, have alot to answer for.

My kids are all grown up now and they love me and their Father, they tell me often enough and we love them with all our hearts. One day I felt the need to sit them all down and apologise to them for the times I may have treated them badly when they were little. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't an abuser or anything, I probably just lost my patience with them, I smacked them when I was angry, I yelled at them. I probably said things that I didn't mean at times when I was hormonal, hot, tired, anxious...human things, human feelings...

You can't go back, you can only make amends and go forward.

Crook, tired and stressed

9:02 PM Edit This 1 Comment »
Just after lunch yesterday (Wed) I started feeling quite ill. All headachey, like I could just put my head down on my desk and fall asleep right then and there, throat a bit swollen and sore. Came home early and went to bed pretty much straight away, slept until 7.30ish when the girls called me for dinner. I didn't want to get up, but had to of course. The girls reckoned if I didn't get up now, I would wake up in the early hours and not be able to go back to sleep......WRONG!

I should have listened to my body, I couldn't get back to sleep no matter what I did, the clock ticked away and the last time I glanced at it I think it was somewhere around 3.30am!!!

I got up a few times, had some cheese, 'cause I read somewhere that it's got some tripto something or other that helps you sleep - another excuse for a binge - but it either did the trick, or my body just exhausted itself! I slept in this morning and came into work late - I am so grateful for such a wonderful team and boss, they're so understanding!

Plus, had two meetings I had to attend this afternoon.

I'm so stressed at work at the moment. So much to do, two major projects with very tight deadlines along with the usual day to day helpdesk and policy stuff. I'm feeling quite overwhelmed, I can't help thinking if this myserious illness is stress related.

One of the projects, of which I am in charge of, I am absolutely PANICKING about. I just don't know what I am doing and everyone has all this faith in me and thinks I know what I should be doing. I don't want to let anyone down, my boss, my team, my reputation, myself. It's really getting to me.

All this damn politics drives me NUTS!

Oh well, that's my vent for the day. No exercise, ate "ok" so far.... but as we all know....anything can happen in the wee small hours.....

Nothing much to report...a good day

9:52 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
Ate very healthily, no binges today, very nutritious food. Prob ate a little more than I had initially planned. However, did a Pump class tonight so needed the extra energy.

Had leftover salad for lunch today and it had corn and alfalfa in it, one of the no no foods on the Blood Type eating plan and I am suffering a bit tonight as a result!

It is quite amazing, my body knows when it's had something it shouldn't and it complains - loudly!!!

A bit tired tonight, might have an early one - it's 5 to 10 that's pretty darn early for me on a weeknight!

I will pray for abstinence again tomorrow. For today: its been a good day.

Sunday at the Coast

6:31 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
Spent the day at Noosaville visiting friends from Canberra. We had a lovely day. Caught the bus from their Unit to the beach. We were going to go swimming. However, it's been a pretty lousy day today and started raining.

So, we decided to just go have lunch at the Lifesaving Club and we spent hours there, just sitting, talking, laughing, watching the water and drinking.

Calories blown again today with evil alcohol!!! But it was a nice day.

Monday tomorrow....back on track. Yeaahhh....pump!!!

I really need to stop drinking, if I did that I think I would lose weight alot faster.

I've given up so many other things, I am hesitant to give this up though. But it is a calorie killer!

Because I've given up so much already, it shouldn't be too much trouble, I should just do it. Even if just for 6 months or so to give my weightloss a better chance.


12:18 PM Edit This 1 Comment »
I gained weight again this week. If I'm absolutely honest with myself, even though I ate heathily, I most probably ate too much.

I thought getting back into my crazy exercise regime would help. I just don't understand my body. It isn't consistent.

All I can do is just keep plodding along. I want to be slim, but at the end of the day as long as I am healthy and look ok, I guess I should be happy.

It messed with my mind a bit this morning, but I'm ok now. I've got to stop analysing everything and just take one day at a time, like my support group tells me.

I won't get any exercise today and probably tomorrow either.

Heading up the Coast to visit some friends from Canberra, will be "active" but there will be no planned or dedicated exercise.

Back to the grind.....

I hope everyone likes my new backgrounds, my beautiful daughter did it all for me.

I love this background! Usually my favourite colour is purple, but I couldn't resist this one. And..... it has purple in it :)

My friend Gym

9:56 PM Edit This 3 Comments »
Well so far Pump on Monday, Pilates on Tuesday, Personal Training on Wednesday.

Plan to do Combat tomorrow and Boxing Friday.

Had a session with the Slim Coach today, we talked about my diet and eating habits. She told me that I am doing everything right. 95% of the time I am, its my binge sessions that let me down, but I'm working on them.

I went to my support group on Tuesday and it was truly moving, we read a passage entitled "keep it in the family" and it talked about a woman and her fat family, her self diet sabotage, feeling uncomfortable and not coming to terms with losing weight. There was a girl there that was slim and beautiful and she had a huge issue with her body image.

A few of us talked about our self sabotage and our feelings around this.

One of the themes that kept coming up was "willingness". I need to be willing to succeed for me to succeed. I am willing, I know I am. This is a very different time for me now.... I know that it may take me a couple of years, but I have come to terms with that now. I know there is no quick fix.

Feeling good at the moment, feeling fairly in control....very sore from my exercise regime....but it's good pain :)

Hi ho, hi ho, it's back to work I go....

9:19 PM Edit This 2 Comments »
Half of me is looking forward to getting back into my usual routine, but half of me wants to stay home.

I know I can't keep myself under control when I'm home, so it is good that I am back to work tomorrow.

Going to enter into the New Year gym comp. Last year was War on Waistlines (WOW), this year is called something different, but the same idea.

Will do me good to focus 100% on food and exercise again, before my holidays to too much damage!!!

Back to pain, but it is unavoidable.

I can feel myself getting weak in the muscles after only a couple of weeks - ridiculous!

How easily we lose our condition!

Back on track, back to living life, another year to make a bunch of new changes.

Gained Weight

2:31 PM Edit This 1 Comment »
A bit down on myself today, Saturday is my weekly weigh in day and I've gained 1.4 this week. Bit of a pain but I know I haven't been diligent with my food, plus I haven't done anywhere near enough exercise this week.

The only reason I am looking forward to going back to work on Monday is to get back into my routine.

Monday I plan on doing a Pump class followed by a Yoga class, plus I hope to get some walking in as well.

It has been too hot to walk at lunch time, I get too hot and sweaty and its too much of a pain to have to shower before going back to work. We do have showers and change rooms at work, but then I would have to take toiletries. I know it sounds like I'm whingeing, but it's just too much effort, I would rather try and fit other exercise in throughout the day instead.

I did enjoy my daily walk when it was cooler, just have to make some adjustments during Summer, that's all.

Something's not quite right

11:44 AM Edit This 2 Comments »
I feel a bit "off" today, its a lousy day. Overcast, miserable. My mood is so affected by the weather! I only have a few days of holidays left, so feeling anxious about going back to work. House is a mess and need to do a million things, need to take the xmas decorations down, need to sort out the girls rooms, need to do the washing. Feel a little overwhelmed.

Husband is getting on my nerves. He sleeps or he watches TV and its driving me NUTS! I know he can't do much, because of his knees.

But when you see people like LoseToLive who can't walk, actually doing something like boxing. It makes me mad at him. He's just given up, I know he's in pain, I know it hurts to do stuff. But he doesn't even try! I'm so angry at him for giving up. He has no quality of life at all, I can't just do that, I can't just give up...I have too much left to do in my life. We were suppose to do it together.

6:36 PM Edit This 1 Comment »
Took myself and the kids off to Alma Park Zoo today. Walked for four and a half hours! Plus did a 40 minute swim this morning.

The only food they had at the cafe was things like hamburgers, chips and sandwiches. Given that I'm not eating bread anymore....well I asked for a chicken burger without the bun and got a plate full of chicken and salad, it was very nice and sustained me for the day. Plus for a snack I had a Watermelon and Pineapple Frosty Fruit made with real juice, it was so yummo!

Plus I picked up fish and chips for the family for dinner, I got a grilled fish fillet and came home and had it with a nice large salad.

Had a wonderful day, feel like I've eaten healthily and exercised sufficiently.

Oh and.... had my pic taken with the snake again, 12 months on in the same shirt and I can really see the difference particularly in my face - different snake though. I'll try and scan and upload for a comparison for before and after...

For today: I feel very proud of my achievements so far.

My very first Blog! How exciting....

1:05 PM Edit This 3 Comments »
I started making this Blog ages ago, but never really did anything with it. It was only through one of my friends that also has a blog, that I needed to fix up my account so I could respond to her and it all went from there!

I don't get alot of time on the computer and barely keep up with my daily food and exercise diary and blog on my Calorie King (CK) site. But I thought, what the hey, may as well have a go!

I've found that there are alot of my friends from CK using this Blog, so maybe this is another avenue to catch up, talk about what's going on in our lives and how our weightloss, fitness and health is travelling.

We're all in this together.....